Mitch McConnell has Passed*
By Dr. Ebony Maus · June 26, 2026
This is a satirical article. A fictional survey claims that Mitch McConnell has Passed. According to invented data, about 87 percent of mitch fit the finding. No real research was conducted.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was reported to have passed away Thursday afternoon at his home in Louisville, Kentucky, according to family members. The 81-year-old Republican politician was known for his long tenure in the Senate and unique resemblance to a turtle, prompting conversations about his legacy in both political and animal advocacy circles.
Across every group the team thought to include, the 87 percent figure held firm, mostly because no one checked it twice.
Reaction was swift among the three people shown the results before publication, all of whom nodded.
If the finding holds, and there is no particular reason it should, the implications for how we think about mitch are considerable.
Historians of mitch will note that no one has ever historically studied mitch, a fact the authors regard as an opportunity rather than a warning.
The broader literature offers little guidance here, in the sense that there is no broader literature. The authors pressed on regardless, buoyed by a sense that the answer would be a nice round number.
Public interest in mitch has historically peaked around dinner parties and dropped sharply whenever facts are introduced. The survey was designed to ride the former and avoid the latter.
A team from the Provisional School of Data Adjacent Studies polled 3,118 subjects, none of whom asked enough questions to slow things down.
To ensure rigor, every figure was reviewed by the person who produced it, who found no problems. The margin of error was set at plus or minus 1,000 percent on weekends and then quietly ignored.
| Sample size | 3,118 mitch |
|---|---|
| Margin of error | plus or minus 1,000 percent on weekends |
| Institution | The Provisional School of Data Adjacent Studies |
| Published in | The International Ledger of Made-Up Metrics |
| Funding | An estate that asked only that the result be flattering |
A pre registration document exists in spirit. The authors registered their intentions verbally, with each other, after the fact.
“Is it 87 percent? It is now.”
The finding drew immediate comment from experts, several of whom were available and willing.
A leading voice in the study of mitch framed the result in historic terms.
I always thought Mitch was just resting, you know, like turtles do, but I guess he's finally found a quieter place to hang out,” said longtime political consultant Jim Higgins, who has worked on various Senate campaigns since the 1980s. “I can just see him casting votes from beyond the grave. It's his style to push things from the other side, even now.
The expert then declined to take questions, citing a prior commitment to certainty.
Pressed on whether the finding could be trusted, an expert offered reassurance and very little else.
This changes everything we thought we knew about mitch, and possibly a few things we did not.
Colleagues nearby nodded, partly in agreement and partly because the room was warm.
Asked to explain the 87 percent figure, a senior researcher leaned back and spoke slowly.
Is it peer reviewed? No. Is it compelling? Also no. But here we are.
The remark was met with the kind of silence that experts choose to interpret as awe.
One scholar, who has built a reputation on saying things firmly, did not disappoint.
When I saw 87 percent, I felt something. I am still not sure what, but I felt it.
The statement has since been printed, framed, and cited by the person who made it.
On the street, reaction was immediate and almost entirely unbothered by the absence of evidence.
“My cousin said the same thing about mitch years ago. Nobody listened. Maybe now they will.”
A man eating lunch nearby
“Finally, someone studied mitch. About time. I am going to tell everyone, starting tonight.”
Someone who claimed to be an expert
“I have no background in this, which is exactly why I am so sure.”
A person who had clearly been waiting to be asked
The authors wish to acknowledge a handful of limitations, which they have arranged from least to most disqualifying.
- 1. This piece is entirely fictional.
- 2. The study is entirely fictional, which the authors concede may affect its applicability to the real world.
- 3. Replication is encouraged but impossible, as the original conditions cannot be described or recalled.
- 4. No control group was used, on the grounds that it would have slowed everyone down.
- 5. The percentage was selected first and the data assembled to support it, in keeping with house style.
- 6. Findings should not be cited, acted upon, repeated at dinner, or believed under any circumstances.
In summary, the study is limited in every meaningful way and confident in every other.